we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
