the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
