Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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