he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
