I showed him my bush... on skype.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
