Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
