I met the friendliest cop last night
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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