Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
