I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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