the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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