I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
