Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
