Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm bleeding and have questions
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
