He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
