you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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