The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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