I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
