Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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