I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
