I wish I could teleport
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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