I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
