just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
