I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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