Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
