I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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