Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
