I have demons in me.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
