I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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