Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
