I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
