I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
