I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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