what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
