i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
