all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
