I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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