i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
