I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
