Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Randomize
