Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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