No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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