Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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