Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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