I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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