She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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