I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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