Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
