You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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