is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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