Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
