On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
It's blow job season.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
