You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Just cropdusted the office
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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