you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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