i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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