So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Randomize
