I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
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