You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
