The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize