bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
