I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
She's just so happy...and so naked.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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