You made me cry and you don't even care
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
