How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
