Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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