The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
People in love make me want to vomit
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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