I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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