I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
