i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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