So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
