you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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