final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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