theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
