I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
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