I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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