I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
