dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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