I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
